I like to listen to music while I write. Tonight I am listening to “Catch The Wind” by Donovan, over and over while I smoke a few cigerettes with tears streaming down my face.

I came to a realization this evening. I have been searching and reading philosophy for many years now. Maybe 20 years on and off. I think I am done with thinking for now and trying to figure it all out. Too many religions and philosophies out there. It really doesn’t matter is the conclusion I came up with. Just be and enjoy this life as best as you can.

Everyone is searching and trying to find the answers to ease their pain. Life is short and it’s scary to think that as hard as it is, in the blink of an eye it can all end.

Even in my darkest days when I thought I wanted it to end, that is not really what I wanted. I just wanted the suffering to end, not life.

Life can be beautiful. And love is the greatest gift of all. Enjoy the things that make you happy! Whatever that is for you.

Life is not perfect. It may never be what you dream it to be. Do not get lost in your dreams. Because there are beautiful moments along the way that you may be missing because you keep reaching for something that you don’t have now.

As far as the next life, none of us really know now do we? Not until that time comes. We can pray, meditate, and speculate forever, but don’t loose this life thinking about the next. Live your life right now. For all we really have for now is now. So while you are here, make the best of it!

Everyone wants to be happy and free in life. That is our fundamental right as a human being. Yet many people are not. I personally felt my freedom to choose to live my life the way I wanted was taken from me at a young age. I want to share some personal things about my past in hopes to help others see the value of personal freedom and to help others heal from their past as well.

As a child, I was not encouraged to follow my dreams, go to college, or to pursue my interests in life. I was only encouraged to go to church and study the Bible. I was baptized as an infant Catholic. My mother and father divorced when I was 8 years old. I was raised by my mother who remarried. My mother one day opened our door to Jehovah’s Witnesses and listened to what they were preaching. She then began a Bible study with a husband and wife from the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

It was the summer before I started my senior year at high school that she insisted I start my own personal Bible study with a young girl who also was a Jehovah’s Witness.

I vividly remember an incident that happened when I was in my bedroom with my neighbor friend. I told my mom I didn’t want to have my Bible study that night. She got so enraged she took this model ship which was sitting on a shelf on my bedroom wall which my grandfather made by hand and threw it across the room with such force that it shattered against the wall in a million pieces.

After that, I never refused to have my Bible study and went to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses with my mother every Sunday. It was not long after that I too started believing what Jehovah’s Witnesses taught. Looking back, I realize that their religion is a form of a cult. It is very controlling.

It wasn’t long before I sunk into a deep depression when I woke up one day and realized; I was married to a man I was not in love with who was also a Jehovah’s Witness, all I had to look forward to was going to church 3 times a week and going door to door to preach their message; I had a little baby to take care of, and I was not allowed to speak to my mother because she was disfellowshipped from the organization for committing adultery with an elder in the church. Disfellowshipping is like being ex-communicated. I was not suppose to have any contact with my own mother during this time.

I was lost in this world that was not what I wanted for myself. Their beliefs were ingrained in my head. I suffered deep depression and nightmares for years after I left the organization. I was trapped in my own mind. It took me 20 years to completely deprogram myself.

During this time, I never stopped praying for help. I began to search and read all different kinds of spiritual philosophy in hopes to heal. As I look back, I thank God for letting me see the light. Religion can be very dangerous. Man’s interpretation is just that, man’s interpretation. I understand this very clearly now.

I want to shed light on the dangers or control that religion can have over people’s lives. My search for truth was not easy to say the least. I feel as though I suffered a dark night of the soul coming out of what I did.

I battled mind control and depression for years. I have come a long way but as a result, I lost years of my life. The best I can do with what I have learned from my experiences in life is to share my story a little at a time in hopes to help someone else.

I was angry for many years with my mother for forcing that religion on me. I have worked hard to forgive her. I realize now that she was brainwashed too and was only trying to do what she thought was best for me and my siblings.

I have learned that forgiveness is so important in life. Sometimes we can try to forgive, but we keep bringing up the past. I was guilty of this. I wanted to forgive and move on but it wasn’t always so easy. I was not only hurting my mother by continuing to be angry with her but I was hurting myself as well by not letting go of the past. You cannot heal from your pain unless you forgive 100%.

I have come along way from where I was. The butterfly which is my logo, represents freedom and happiness. I truly believe that we as humans have the ability to heal from anything. Not only physical pain, but emotional and mental pain as well. We can be imprisoned in our own minds. This is the worst kind of pain. My story is a story of hope and healing. I am still learning everyday about life. I can finally say that I have a sense of freedom and happiness now. I thank God for this.

 

I want to share an experience I had about 15 years ago. Actually I am guessing as to how long ago it was. I cannot quite remember.

Late in the early hours of the nite, I awoke to a bright light coming in thru the blinds of the window at the end of my bed.

It scared the shit out of me because it was a light I had never seen before. It illuminated the black dark room which I was lying in. The light was white not like from the sun. It was not gold or yellow.

I saw it coming in from the blinds and I was curious to look out my window but didn’t because I was frightened.

As I looked to my left I noticed light bouncing off a spoon I had left in my room that was sitting on a shelf.

I got out of bed quickly and gazed across the room. I noticed a picture my daughter had done in school which was hanging on the wall was illuminating white light.

The picture was of Mary Magadalene in prayer. My daughter had a class project where they did rubbings in white chalk on black paper over a gravestone. I remember having to purchase the black paper she needed for it. It was hanging in my bedroom at the time.

I was filled with fear because I knew this light was not from here. I covered my eyes with my right hand  and was searching with my other hand for the light switch on the wall. I had to turn on the light because it freaked me out that my room was lit up by something other than a normal light. I wanted it to go away.

My heart was beating so fast. I had never experienced anything like it. For many nights I slept with the lights on after that.

I had to roll up the picture my daughter made and put it out of sight because I was frightened of it.

I only told a few people what happened to me. And to this day I rarely talk of it.

Shortly after that, I started researching white light and found out that usually people who experience this have had near death experiences which are called NDEs.

I was definitely not near death. I had been praying alot though and reading a book about angels the night before. Around that time, I remember listening to alot of David Bowie and his song Starman reminds me of what happened that night.

I was afraid to open the blinds because I wasn’t sure if it was angels or maybe a spaceship waiting outside my room. I know that may sound ridiculous but I was not about to find out.

My search to find out about white light led me to read more about near death experiences. I believe now after many years I had a mystical experience. I believe something heard my prayers and I had a visitation.

I was not ready for it. If I was, I believe I would not have been so afraid. I was not expecting it.

In my reading about near death experiences in order to understand more about white light, my faith became strengthened. It was more fascinating to me than any spiritual books I have ever read. It reassured me that life after death does exist. And that there are others that exist beyond what we know in this reality.

It strengthed my faith and made me realize that our prayers are heard. At the same time, you cannot just wave a magic wand and expect things to happen miraculously. You have to make things happen for yourself.

It was if something out there was saying, I hear you and I am aware of what you are going thru but you have to figure it out for yourself. Just don’t give up! It’s going to be ok.

 

dMk.Butterfly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is an emotion that has existed forever. We cannot live without it. It may seem like there are times when love may not exist for us in our lives. This is not true. Love is everywhere. Love comes in many forms, not just romantic love. We can have, share, and receive love for family, friends, co-workers, animals, nature, and all of humanity thru acts of kindness and compassion. The energy of love vibrates at a higher level. Hate is at the opposite end of the spectrum. If you want to raise your vibration and attract more love in your life, then you have to put more love out and reduce the amount of low vibrational thoughts you may have such as anger, hate, envy, jealousy, self pity, or blame. The more positive feelings, thoughts, or acts we focus on will raise our vibration and thus as a result attract more love into our lives. That is not to say that we will not experience negativite emotions in our life. This is a part of life, a part of the human experience that we should learn and grow from. Growth does not just happen. It takes effort. Just like everything in life. It takes work. We can shape our lives for the better and attract more love into our lives just by realizing that we can use our minds to change how we perceive our reality. If you are experiencing a bad day, try practicing gratitude or acceptance. Be grateful and thankful for what you do have, things can always be worse. Try accepting things as they are for now and change your mind by doing something that makes you or someone else happy. Kiss a puppy dog, watch the sunrise, listen to your favorite song, give someone a hug for no reason and smile at someone you do not know or volunteer somewhere and do something charitable and see how it makes you feel. We all have the ability to do this, to change our thinking and as a result improve our lives.

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