We can find freedom from the patterns that used to enslave us. We can find joy.Healing our Trauma, Healing our World
Everyone wants to be happy and free in life. That is our fundamental right as a human being. Yet many people are not. I personally felt my freedom to choose to live my life the way I wanted was taken from me at a young age. I want to share some personal things about my past in hopes to help others see the value of personal freedom and to help others heal from their past as well.
As a child, I was not encouraged to follow my dreams, go to college, or to pursue my interests in life. I was only encouraged to go to church and study the Bible. I was baptized as an infant Catholic. My mother and father divorced when I was 8 years old. I was raised by my mother who remarried. My mother one day opened our door to Jehovah’s Witnesses and listened to what they were preaching. She then began a Bible study with a husband and wife from the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
It was the summer before I started my senior year at high school that she insisted I start my own personal Bible study with a young girl who also was a Jehovah’s Witness.
I vividly remember an incident that happened when I was in my bedroom with my neighbor friend. I told my mom I didn’t want to have my Bible study that night. She got so enraged she took this model ship which was sitting on a shelf on my bedroom wall which my grandfather made by hand and threw it across the room with such force that it shattered against the wall in a million pieces.
After that, I never refused to have my Bible study and went to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses with my mother every Sunday. It was not long after that I too started believing what Jehovah’s Witnesses taught. Looking back, I realize that their religion is a form of a cult. It is very controlling.
It wasn’t long before I sunk into a deep depression when I woke up one day and realized; I was married to a man I was not in love with who was also a Jehovah’s Witness, all I had to look forward to was going to church 3 times a week and going door to door to preach their message; I had a little baby to take care of, and I was not allowed to speak to my mother because she was disfellowshipped from the organization for committing adultery with an elder in the church. Disfellowshipping is like being ex-communicated. I was not suppose to have any contact with my own mother during this time.
I was lost in this world that was not what I wanted for myself. Their beliefs were ingrained in my head. I suffered deep depression and nightmares for years after I left the organization. I was trapped in my own mind. It took me 20 years to completely deprogram myself.
During this time, I never stopped praying for help. I began to search and read all different kinds of spiritual philosophy in hopes to heal. As I look back, I thank God for letting me see the light. Religion can be very dangerous. Man’s interpretation is just that, man’s interpretation. I understand this very clearly now.
I want to shed light on the dangers or control that religion can have over people’s lives. My search for truth was not easy to say the least. I feel as though I suffered a dark night of the soul coming out of what I did.
I battled mind control and depression for years. I have come a long way but as a result, I lost years of my life. The best I can do with what I have learned from my experiences in life is to share my story a little at a time in hopes to help someone else.
I was angry for many years with my mother for forcing that religion on me. I have worked hard to forgive her. I realize now that she was brainwashed too and was only trying to do what she thought was best for me and my siblings.
I have learned that forgiveness is so important in life. Sometimes we can try to forgive, but we keep bringing up the past. I was guilty of this. I wanted to forgive and move on but it wasn’t always so easy. I was not only hurting my mother by continuing to be angry with her but I was hurting myself as well by not letting go of the past. You cannot heal from your pain unless you forgive 100%.
I have come along way from where I was. The butterfly which is my logo, represents freedom and happiness. I truly believe that we as humans have the ability to heal from anything. Not only physical pain, but emotional and mental pain as well. We can be imprisoned in our own minds. This is the worst kind of pain. My story is a story of hope and healing. I am still learning everyday about life. I can finally say that I have a sense of freedom and happiness now. I thank God for this.
I want to share an experience I had about 15 years ago. Actually I am guessing as to how long ago it was. I cannot quite remember.
Late in the early hours of the nite, I awoke to a bright light coming in thru the blinds of the window at the end of my bed.
It scared the shit out of me because it was a light I had never seen before. It illuminated the black dark room which I was lying in. The light was white not like from the sun. It was not gold or yellow.
I saw it coming in from the blinds and I was curious to look out my window but didn’t because I was frightened.
As I looked to my left I noticed light bouncing off a spoon I had left in my room that was sitting on a shelf.
I got out of bed quickly and gazed across the room. I noticed a picture my daughter had done in school which was hanging on the wall was illuminating white light.
The picture was of Mary Magadalene in prayer. My daughter had a class project where they did rubbings in white chalk on black paper over a gravestone. I remember having to purchase the black paper she needed for it. It was hanging in my bedroom at the time.
I was filled with fear because I knew this light was not from here. I covered my eyes with my right hand and was searching with my other hand for the light switch on the wall. I had to turn on the light because it freaked me out that my room was lit up by something other than a normal light. I wanted it to go away.
My heart was beating so fast. I had never experienced anything like it. For many nights I slept with the lights on after that.
I had to roll up the picture my daughter made and put it out of sight because I was frightened of it.
I only told a few people what happened to me. And to this day I rarely talk of it.
Shortly after that, I started researching white light and found out that usually people who experience this have had near death experiences which are called NDEs.
I was definitely not near death. I had been praying alot though and reading a book about angels the night before. Around that time, I remember listening to alot of David Bowie and his song Starman reminds me of what happened that night.
I was afraid to open the blinds because I wasn’t sure if it was angels or maybe a spaceship waiting outside my room. I know that may sound ridiculous but I was not about to find out.
My search to find out about white light led me to read more about near death experiences. I believe now after many years I had a mystical experience. I believe something heard my prayers and I had a visitation.
I was not ready for it. If I was, I believe I would not have been so afraid. I was not expecting it.
In my reading about near death experiences in order to understand more about white light, my faith became strengthened. It was more fascinating to me than any spiritual books I have ever read. It reassured me that life after death does exist. And that there are others that exist beyond what we know in this reality.
It strengthed my faith and made me realize that our prayers are heard. At the same time, you cannot just wave a magic wand and expect things to happen miraculously. You have to make things happen for yourself.
It was if something out there was saying, I hear you and I am aware of what you are going thru but you have to figure it out for yourself. Just don’t give up! It’s going to be ok.
Goddess of hunted
Goddess of meditation
If you want clear water
Go to the source
Quote by Mooji. Food for thought. What does Mooji mean by these statements?
Please feel free to comment if you have any thoughts on Mooji’s philosophy.
Just wanted to tell you how much I love you!!! And I am extremely proud of you!!! I miss you first and foremost. Just felt like writing to you and saying a few things that are deep in my soul. I have loved you forever and for all eternity. I wanted you before you were born. I don’t blame you for being distant with me. It’s not your fault. I blame myself. I was not mentally present when you were born. I was deeply depressed while I was pregnant with you. And just 6 months after you were born, I had my first and worst ever nervous breakdown. I’m not going to go into all the details of what happened and what pushed me over the edge. That is in the past. I just want you to know I am sorry for not being the mother you deserved. I should have held you more, kissed you more, played with you more, especially when you were a baby. I was a lost soul….I have many regrets. The biggest regret I have is that I did not appreciate the gift that God gave me, “You”!! I was so deeply depressed and it made me very selfish. I was too busy thinking about myself, my anger over what happened to me with the religion, my anger at my own mother, and my lost dreams because of it all. I was so mentally ill that I could barely take care of myself. I was so ashamed of myself because of my illness and not being able to work during that time. I prayed so hard over the years for God to help me get better and for me to see things clearly. I had to search deep and hard because I was so confused about religion and what the truth really is. I never gave up my faith in God and never blamed him for the religion that was pushed on me. Anyway, I am so grateful and thankful that I never gave up. Although many times the depression was so deep, I wanted to. But I am so thankful I never did!!! I got better and better over time. As I look back, it’s hard to believe how far I have come considering what I have been thru. I just wanted you to know that I understand if you have anger towards me or pain because of me. I am so very sorry for this!!! I never meant to hurt you. I am so very sorry for causing your life to be harder than it should have been. If I could go back in time and be the happy healthier version of my true self, I would have been more present in your life mentally and emotionally. But I cannot go back in time and change what happened. Whatever emotional wounds I have caused you, I pray that you forgive me! Don’t carry that inside. You need to heal as well. I learned alot from what I have been thru. Some have said that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The best I can do with what I have learned is to share it with others to help other people who suffer like I have in hopes that they can heal too. You are a beautiful woman inside and out, not to mention extremely intelligent. I am proud to call you my child. You are such a strong woman. Stop and think what you have accomplished all on your own. You are on your own journey in this life, just as we all are. And life is not easy for anyone. We all have our ups and downs. Just remember, no matter how hard it gets at times to never give up! It will get better. Tomorrow is another day. And there is someone or something out there that hears our prayers. Stay positive and enjoy your life!! You can do what ever you want with it. Do what makes you happy!
I love you so much!!!
Into a well
She did fall
So very deep
So very far
On her knees
She began to pray
Over and over
Years went by
She had no choice
Because she thought
No one heard her voice
But to climb
With her nails
Up the well
All the time
To escape her hell
Then one night
From far away
It she feared
She closed her eyes
For it was bright
And so very very white
This shinning light
What is this?
Could it be?
An angel heard her