Just wanted to tell you how much I love you!!! And I am extremely proud of you!!! I miss you first and foremost. Just felt like writing to you and saying a few things that are deep in my soul. I have loved you forever and for all eternity. I wanted you before you were born. I don’t blame you for being distant with me. It’s not your fault. I blame myself. I was not mentally present when you were born. I was deeply depressed while I was pregnant with you. And just 6 months after you were born, I had my first and worst ever nervous breakdown. I’m not going to go into all the details of what happened and what pushed me over the edge. That is in the past. I just want you to know I am sorry for not being the mother you deserved. I should have held you more, kissed you more, played with you more, especially when you were a baby. I was a lost soul….I have many regrets. The biggest regret I have is that I did not appreciate the gift that God gave me, “You”!! I was so deeply depressed and it made me very selfish. I was too busy thinking about myself, my anger over what happened to me with the religion, my anger at my own mother, and my lost dreams because of it all. I was so mentally ill that I could barely take care of myself. I was so ashamed of myself because of my illness and not being able to work during that time. I prayed so hard over the years for God to help me get better and for me to see things clearly. I had to search deep and hard because I was so confused about religion and what the truth really is. I never gave up my faith in God and never blamed him for the religion that was pushed on me. Anyway, I am so grateful and thankful that I never gave up. Although many times the depression was so deep, I wanted to. But I am so thankful I never did!!! I got better and better over time. As I look back, it’s hard to believe how far I have come considering what I have been thru. I just wanted you to know that I understand if you have anger towards me or pain because of me. I am so very sorry for this!!! I never meant to hurt you. I am so very sorry for causing your life to be harder than it should have been. If I could go back in time and be the happy healthier version of my true self, I would have been more present in your life mentally and emotionally. But I cannot go back in time and change what happened. Whatever emotional wounds I have caused you, I pray that you forgive me! Don’t carry that inside. You need to heal as well. I learned alot from what I have been thru. Some have said that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The best I can do with what I have learned is to share it with others to help other people who suffer like I have in hopes that they can heal too. You are a beautiful woman inside and out, not to mention extremely intelligent. I am proud to call you my child. You are such a strong woman. Stop and think what you have accomplished all on your own. You are on your own journey in this life, just as we all are. And life is not easy for anyone. We all have our ups and downs. Just remember, no matter how hard it gets at times to never give up! It will get better. Tomorrow is another day. And there is someone or something out there that hears our prayers. Stay positive and enjoy your life!! You can do what ever you want with it. Do what makes you happy!
I love you so much!!!
A raw and beautiful letter to your daughter.